The system cannot withstand close scrutiny. Not the way he’s got it rigged. What with his boundaries unspoken and his rules so subject to change. Once when we were stoned he told me he loved me. “I love you, Davey Houle.” His exact words. But just the once. The things he did to me. The things I allowed him to do. I want him to suffer like my mother suffered.
He came to me fully formed. Immutable is a meaner way to put it. He didn’t change, had no intention of changing, and that’s why I was nothing more than a distraction to him. Because I had my plans. And he could never take seriously someone who wanted him to be someone else. Even if that someone else was better and better for me than the man who, apparently, wasn’t good enough in the first place.
From a Mile Away
Those few years he had on me made me defer to his judgment more often than I would have. And he carried himself like an older man – even older than I allowed him to be. Which along with it came a certainty or an air of authority that was easy for me to follow. Because at that time in my life I thought I needed to be told what to do. And he could sniff out that need in me from a mile away. I only realized this after the fact, of course – years later. None of this did me any good at the time.